Back to school photos are flooding my memories this week. The feelings those memories create are bittersweet. There’s smiles, joy, and fondness mixed with an ache, a sadness, and lump forming in the back of my throat.

I see those sweet innocent smiles and think of the innocence that was lost. I wish I could take it away. Truth be told, I would do anything to take it away or carry it for them. I am also bought back to a whole other level of pain in what was really going on behind the scenes. To be honest, neither quite feels right. I wrestle back and forth between anger and forgiveness, wanting justice and trusting in the Lord’s, sadness and joy.

You see, we live in a world that is fallen, broken, and so far from the perfection of the Garden of Eden. We exist in the in between, in the hope of Heaven. We somehow learn to balance the joy and pain that inevitably coexists.

But we are not alone. Our Father, our Savior, is calling out to us, welcoming us into His arms. He longs to comfort us in our pain and give us hope - but we must go to Him. I did not even begin to grasp the love God has for us as His children until I became a mother. Silas and I were chatting the other day and I was trying to describe it. I told him, “I never knew this kind of love was possible until you were put in my arms for the first time. Your life changed mine.” As much as I love my children and desire to protect them, God loves them way beyond my imperfect ability to love them. Friends, though this world is hard, God sees us and He cares for us. Especially in our grief.

Jesus uses the illustration of a mother in labor to describe the grief His disciples would soon endure in John 16,

“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

If ever I resonated with something, it is this. I will never forget the agony of labor. With Silas specifically, I went to the hospital, knowing something was not right. But it was not yet time - it was three weeks too early. I was quickly told after some testing, “We are getting this baby out now.” Before I could blink, induction was under way. After 15 hours of the worst pain I had ever felt, I was told it was time to push. Within minutes there was a a sense of urgency in the room. Something was not right. Without hesitation, the doctor calmly told the nurse, “Get the vacuum.” After a cut and the instruction to push at the next contraction, all I could see was a baby with blue skin that was rushed away. His cord had been wrapped around his neck. For fifteen minutes, I waited… wondering, confused, exhausted. And finally, that boy was placed in my arms and my world was forever changed. I had never seen such perfection and I had never known such love. The trauma of the experience wasn’t even a thought. Everything turned to joy.

There’s a scene in a movie, The Waitress, that perfectly depicts this. Keri Russell portrays a woman in an abusive relationship who ends up pregnant. I’m not sure I’ve ever so closely identified with a character so this movie gets me every time. She is broken, angry, and trapped. There’s a scene in the hospital where she gives birth and is handed her baby girl. The camera spins in circles around the room. Everything in the background is blurry. All the noise is muted. The camera pans in on her holding her baby and its as if the world has stopped. Her world is now in her arms. Her grief turned to joy.

What’s the point? The point is that there is HOPE available. Does hope remove the pain while we are in it? No - pain is pain and it still hurts. But we can know it is only temporary. Instead of running away from it, we can run to Him. Look at these promises, friends!

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and he DELIVERS them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. Fear the Lord, you His holy people, for those who fear Him lack nothing. Psalm 34:7-9

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬

If we trust Him, He will deliver us. We will lack nothing. And He Himself will restore us.

I read through Psalms 23 today, slowly. I marinated on the words - on the promises - that He leads us, restores us, protects us in the valley of the shadow of death (or as my notes say, “in the deepest darkness”), comforts us, prepares a table for us, and anoints us. But don’t miss this last part - goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives and we will dwell with Him forever.

No matter what you are facing, what you are carrying, what you are grieving - God is bigger than it all. He wants to rescue you and deliver you. And He will. But you must choose Him.

Lord, may we choose you each and every moment of every day.

In the In-between.

Delays.

An exodus.