Living in His plan.

When I was in junior high I had someone ask me if I was mute. Not knowing what to say, I shook my head no.

In college, I cried my way through public speaking. Speaking was difficult enough, but having all eyes on me was a nightmare.

You see, I was painfully shy in my first twenty something years. And in that, there was an incredible loneliness. For the life of me, I couldn’t express the me that was screaming on the inside. It’s something I’ve wrestled with my whole life, but thankfully God grows us and uses our circumstances to bring us to new places.

Yesterday I spoke on one of my “nevers” - “I will never get divorced”. Let’s just say, I’ve learned to never say never. After finishing the public speaking class mentioned above, I proclaimed, “I will never speak in public again.” Once when asked to teach a class I laughed, “I will never be a teacher.” Prior to meeting Calvin and moving to Iowa, my family moved into a new home. Being newly divorced and moving everything from the home our family had shared together was the most exhausting and overwhelming thing imaginable. In weariness I said, “I’m never moving again.”

I am done with never, because again, “With God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

Over the past few years, I have seen the Lord work in incredible ways. Miraculous ways. Even amid some of the most difficult years, His faithfulness and goodness has shone brighter. His voice has been evident and clear. The Lord has brought me into things I never could have dreamed or imagined. That is Who He is, friends, because He “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

I once heard a pastor preaching on how to know the difference between your dreams and a God-sized dream. A God-sized dream is bigger than you. You can’t do it on your own and it advances the kingdom of God. I wrote this on my mirror to remind myself to never doubt or question the callings He has put on my life - especially when it feels bigger than me. You see, we are only limited by our faith. It’s not about what I can do, but what Christ can do through me. When I choose to sit in self-doubt, I’m not living according to the power within me. I’m not placing my faith in God, but in my own abilities. A God-sized dream will never be about me. Rather, it will be solely for His glory.

Stepping out in faith sounds scary. But when we begin to trust God at His Word, we have no reason to fear because we know He is with us. We can have confidence in that, which is why Paul proclaimed to be, “confident …that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” (Philippians 1:6). If God calls you to something, He will go before you, He will walk beside you, and He will enable you.

He will. I promise you. It’s why I was able to share with our youth last night and feel alive - like it’s what I was created for. I never in a billion years would have thought those words would come out of my mouth. Ever.

My life looks nothing like I thought. I did get divorced. God moved us a short nine months after my declaration. I am teaching. And God has given me numerous opportunities to proclaim His Word. You guys, His plan was better and I know the future holds the greatest yet to come. I am choosing to believe that I couldn’t do any of these things on my own, but that He does them through me. I’m done with my own dreams - I want His.

As I was driving to an appointment this morning and reflecting on it all, a song I used to play on repeat came on. My eyes began to fill with tears. My throat, suddenly dry. I hadn’t heard this song in years, but it was one that the Lord used to prepare me. These are the words I wrote 5 months before everything in our life changed,

“As I prayed for God to give me a word for 2019, the word "abandon" came to my mind almost immediately. The lyrics to the song, The Stand, came to my mind.

"So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe, of the One who gave it all. So I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered. All I am is yours."

2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "For the eyes of the Lord move over all the earth so that He may give strength to those whose whole heart is given to Him." That is my desire. To give him my whole heart. Not the parts that are easy... but even the parts that are not.

When Jesus was speaking to the rich young ruler in Mark 10, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” The ruler was happy to follow Jesus as long as he had his safety net - his back up plan of safety and security. But Jesus desires us to follow Him with abandon. I pray that I will not look back, but look forward, with arms high and heart abandoned to Him.

I'm excited to see what the Lord has planned for two thousand nineteen. I believe greater things are yet to come.”

Little did I know what was to come. I couldn't have. But God did. God was preparing my heart then and it’s still my prayer now - that my heart would be abandoned to His Way and His plan.

Friends, I pray you live in His confidence and not your own. I pray you believe Him for your God-sized dreams and step into the future He has prepared for you. Because it is good.