Great Expectation.

"When there is an undoing of your life, there is an unknowing of every next millisecond.  Every next breath.  The peaceful predictability of what you thought would be your life is suddenly replaced by a very unexpected darkness and silence you aren't used to.  Empty spaces.  Endless possibilities of fear and failure.  Metaphorically speaking, your life is now a blank canvas."  

- from It's Not Supposed to Be This Way.

I referenced in my last post a new book I began reading, that was recommended to me by many.  Have you ever sat in church and felt like the Pastor was speaking directly to you.  Or read something that you were convinced was written just for you?  If ever there was a book, this would be it.  I couldn't have described the above more accurately.  There are days I don't even know what to do with myself.  I am not the type to sit at home, stay in bed, or not get dressed.  I'm a mover.  A doer.  A take the day by storm kinda person.  If anything, I'm often told to slow it down a bit. An example my mom loves to use is me vacuuming a day after delivering a baby.  For real. I am also a planner.  So, you can imagine when your world is suddenly turned upside down, the fear and panic that could set in.  The restlessness has been something else.  Being distracted is great, but it's the end of the day when it's time to go home or the weekends where there is no real agenda that I find myself twiddling my thumbs.  Normal isn't normal anymore, so what do I do?  What does a new normal look like?  Who even am I anymore?  It is so easy to wrap your identity in the things that you do.  So this experience has been life changing for me on so many levels.

I wouldn't say I have it all figured out, but I am certainly processing, which is a crucial step.  The up and down emotions are overwhelming.  When I begin to feel those emotions, often that turns into guilt as though I am not trusting in God.  It's a vicious cycle.  BUT, I'm learning to have grace with myself, and also to keep leaning into Him.

Survival mode has been blasting worship music all day long.  Reading my Bible.  Reading books.  Praying.  Saturating my mind with Truth.  Going to church.  Surrounding myself with life giving people.  And oh, God has been so gracious to surround us with people that have loved on us, prayed with and for us, and shown unending support.  It overwhelms me to think of His provision beforehand and along the way.  He has not left our side, and in fact - prepared the way.

Also, it's understanding that none of this took God by surprise.  There's a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.   Knowing versus embracing.  It's easy to look backwards and question yourself and your choices.  Like somehow I made a mistake, or failed along the way.  NO!  I always knew, from the time I was a very young girl, that my heart's desire was to serve the Lord.  What I know is absolutely nothing has changed.  God is going to use me and my story and if this is the road He has called me to walk, then all praise and glory to Him.  Our Pastor read Isaiah 6:8 yesterday in his message, "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"  My eyes teared up listening to this verse I have heard my whole life.  If you want me to walk this road, God... I will.  Send me!  That's my prayer!  

"We are most triumphant when we place our disappointments in God's hands and say, "Lord, I trust you to redeem this and return it to me as part of my testimony."  

How beautiful is that statement?!  I do trust Him in this.  As crazy as that may sound to anyone else, I do.  He is at work and preparing me for what is to come. One day I will be able to share my story in full, trusting and believing He will use it.

"If you have ever experienced an unexpected darkness, a silence, and stillness you aren't used to, know that these hard times, these devastating disappointments, these seasons of suffering are not for nothing.  They will grow you.  They will shape you.  They will soften you.  They will allow you to experience God's comfort and compassion.  But you will find life giving purpose and meaning when you allow God to take your painful experience and comfort others.  You will be able to share a unique hope because you know exactly what it feels like to be them.  Pick up the paintbrush.  Feel the tension.  Feel the weight of every view, all the eyes, all the opinions.  Choose to be converted by showing up with God's life giving truth, not perverted by the enemy's death blows of discouragement.  Let your heart beat fast and wild and terrified.  Drumming against your chest and daring you to get on beat with Him.  Forget the cravings of comfort zones.  Trade your comfort for compassion.  Don't welcome hardness of heart as easiness of life. 

I love whatever is about to come to life on your canvas to the glory of our Almighty Creator.  God.  The Redeemer of dust.  The Redeemer of us."  

Wow.  Just wow.  I will be able to share a unique hope.  Hope means great expectation!  I have great expectation of what is to come and how HE will redeem.  I am excited thinking about it, because I am coming more and more to this realization of who I am.  Who I've always been.  Our Pastor was speaking on our calling yesterday and how the people of the Bible were ordinary people that God used.  God couldn't have used Samson if he wasn't Samson, or David if he wasn't David.  He created them to fulfill their unique purpose.  I just need to be ME.  You just need to be you.  That is our calling.  My calling is my life, your calling is your life, and no one else can do it.  

Here I am Lord, send me.  

I love this! We were walking to the car and she spilled her goldfish. She cried. I said, "It's okay.  Let's pick them up and get more!" As we were walking back out, she told me, "It's okay momma!!  Nooooo crying!" We can always pick ourselves back up.  It's all in our attitude. Here's another great song for ya!