When I'm broken, and down to nothing...
Time. Over time things can become "easier". Hearts can begin to heal, new normals can be created, perspectives can be shifted. That's not where I find myself right now. When your world is suddenly shaken, there seems to be this overwhelming feeling of lostness. When I'm distracted with the day to day - the gym, work, errands, mom duties - everything feels okay. Survivable. Doable. It's the end of the day, the middle of the night, the weekends, that I find myself feeling lonely and isolated. I've always found it interesting how even in a room full of people you can still feel all alone. Unknown.
And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know God is here and He is with me. I believe He is working all things for my good. I have seen His touches of grace and protection along the way. I trust in the plan that He has for me and know that they are good. He has reminded me over and over, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It's what has kept me going, getting out of bed, pressing forward. The ability to face each new day and not running away.
But that doesn't mean everything is just magically easy. I started another new book, It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way. I am finding so much beauty, truth, and rawness in her words.
She goes on to talk about God's original plan for mankind in the Garden. "The human heart was created in the context of the perfection of the garden of Eden. But we don't live there now." What we were created for and where we live now, in this fallen world, are two different things. We are living between two gardens.
"This is a love story. And we will never appreciate or even desire the hope of our True Love if lesser loves don't disappoint. The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself - and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again. Where we will finally have peace and security and eyes that no longer leak tears ... and hearts that are no longer broken.
Oh, do I ever resonate with that! Even though we are not promised a picture perfect life full of happiness, and hardships are to be expected, we naturally have dreams or expectations of how we desire things to be. This wasn't in my planner. It wasn't on my bucket list. In fact, I'm at such a loss with how to deal at this moment that I cannot even envision what restoration would or could look like. Life feels shattered. I feel broken. My heart longs for intimacy, connection, love. Not this. But here's what I know to be true...
He promises redemption. One day, "He will wipe every tear from {our} eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."
He waits for us to come to Him. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."
He is with me. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
He gives hope: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
He has given us a Helper: "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever."
He brings peace: "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
I claim all of these things, in the good days and in the not so good days. In the joy and in the grief. I don't know how this all plays out in this world. I know Thursday was probably the absolute worst day I have had. It couldn't have been possible for my eyes to leak any more tears and I went to bed with a headache and swollen eyes. Yesterday was a joyous and restful day with friends at a waterpark without a care in the world. Today I have been wandering and restless, longing for something... anything... to feel different or better. Tomorrow - the next day - who knows? BUT, in all of these things I can and do have hope in the final outcome.
"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new."
I trust in that.
And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know God is here and He is with me. I believe He is working all things for my good. I have seen His touches of grace and protection along the way. I trust in the plan that He has for me and know that they are good. He has reminded me over and over, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It's what has kept me going, getting out of bed, pressing forward. The ability to face each new day and not running away.
But that doesn't mean everything is just magically easy. I started another new book, It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way. I am finding so much beauty, truth, and rawness in her words.
"I don't know when these disappointments, big and small, are coming my way. They just show up. An unexpected guest that I don't know what to do with. This guest of disappointment exhausts me. Life isn't turning out the way we thought it would.
This disappointment that is exhausting and frustrating you? It holds the potential for so much good. But we'll only see it as good if we trust the heart of the Giver. You see, disappointment can be a gift from God that feels nothing like a gift at all. It's unexpectedly sharp. But disappointment isn't proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it's His way of leading us Home."
She goes on to talk about God's original plan for mankind in the Garden. "The human heart was created in the context of the perfection of the garden of Eden. But we don't live there now." What we were created for and where we live now, in this fallen world, are two different things. We are living between two gardens.
"This is a love story. And we will never appreciate or even desire the hope of our True Love if lesser loves don't disappoint. The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself - and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again. Where we will finally have peace and security and eyes that no longer leak tears ... and hearts that are no longer broken.
Oh, do I ever resonate with that! Even though we are not promised a picture perfect life full of happiness, and hardships are to be expected, we naturally have dreams or expectations of how we desire things to be. This wasn't in my planner. It wasn't on my bucket list. In fact, I'm at such a loss with how to deal at this moment that I cannot even envision what restoration would or could look like. Life feels shattered. I feel broken. My heart longs for intimacy, connection, love. Not this. But here's what I know to be true...
He promises redemption. One day, "He will wipe every tear from {our} eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."
He waits for us to come to Him. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."
He is with me. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
He gives hope: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
He has given us a Helper: "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever."
He brings peace: "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
I claim all of these things, in the good days and in the not so good days. In the joy and in the grief. I don't know how this all plays out in this world. I know Thursday was probably the absolute worst day I have had. It couldn't have been possible for my eyes to leak any more tears and I went to bed with a headache and swollen eyes. Yesterday was a joyous and restful day with friends at a waterpark without a care in the world. Today I have been wandering and restless, longing for something... anything... to feel different or better. Tomorrow - the next day - who knows? BUT, in all of these things I can and do have hope in the final outcome.
"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new."
I trust in that.
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| I chose this picture because I asked her to smile and she didn't want to. It was her way of dealing in the moment. If I close my eyes, everything goes away right? Ha! I get it, girl! If only life were that simple ;) Finally, here is yet another song, Something Good, that I am resonating with right now. I am living on prayer, scripture, and worship songs blasting as loud as my car or AirPods will play them. Have a listen if you like, here. |
