part one.
It's been a little bit. Not because I don't have the words. I have all the words and thoughts that I long to share. Yet, I have felt at a stand still, questioning how to begin.
Even now, I pause for moments at a time, staring at a blinking cursor. I do not fear judgment. Or opinions. I have come to the place where I know the only opinion or approval I seek is God's. He is continually writing my story and I believe with all my heart it is a story that I am to share. I have no other motivation than to proclaim His goodness, His faithfulness, His glory.
So, here we go...
A little more than three months ago, on May 15th, our life as we knew it was over. Just like that, our "normal" did not exist anymore. It was an ordinary Wednesday, and then it was not. I went to work, the kids went to school, and JJ even learned to tie his shoes that day. We did our usual evening routine of homework, dinner, and the boys ventured off to their rooms while my parents and I watched tv downstairs. What happened next changed everything. One phone call is all it takes to alter your life forever. I received a call and was told that my husband had been arrested. I'm positive my heart missed a few beats.
Shock. Confusion. Fear. Panic. I'm sure you can imagine. I wasn't told why. No one knew anything. It would be hours before we would even find out where he had been taken, and two more days before we found out any details. {This is not the point or focus of this post, and I will not be sharing any details}. At first I wanted to crawl into a hole and not live this life. How do you face everyone? How do you tell your kids that their dad is in jail? How do you get up and go to work, as if life is completely normal when it is everything but normal? Silas had his 6th grade field trip the following day and needed to be at the school at 5:00 a.m. His dad was supposed to go with him. I couldn't even sit and absorb the information, but instead got up and went to Disneyland with my boy. I didn't want to ruin his day. I needed to protect him if only for one more day. The next day I was having school birthday parties with JJ and Eli at school, while their dad was in the middle of a courtroom. I would get a phone call on the way home from school that day, with the details that seemed impossible to face. Life felt like a nightmare. It was as though I was watching my life in slow motion from the outside looking in. Was this even real life? It just didn't seem possible. Not thirty minutes after I heard, it was all over the media. Reporters were at my door. Every single person I knew (and didn't know) locally knew. And let me tell you, word spreads fast. Like a wildfire. So not only did I feel like I was living a nightmare, but it was a nightmare in which my whole world would know about and have front row seats.
I realized immediately that I had two choices: run away and hide, or face this head on. Also, I had four children who would be watching and absorbing my every move. What would my actions and words speak to their hearts? I decided I was not going to run.
Sunday was a pivotal day for me. It was cold and rainy and the perfect expression of what I felt on the inside. I got up and went to church and quite honestly think I threw a lot of people when I walked in the door. I can't be sure, but I'm fairly confident no one was expecting to see me there. And it wasn't pretty. I cried the entire service. There wasn't even a point to wearing makeup because my eyes were beyond swollen and mascara was a recipe for disaster. In all my hot mess, I stood there and sang praise to God as loud as I could, with tears streaming down my face, and sobbed through the entire message. It was a beautiful mess.
Afterwards, my dad and I drove to the jail to see him. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since Wednesday and huge parts of me didn't want to go. But, I knew I needed to. Driving to the jail was surreal. I was mortified. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Yes, those are all the same, but you get the idea. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. When I got there I wanted to hide my face. What were the guards thinking? How did I get here? It's as though you're standing in front of the whole world naked, exposed, unable to hide. Everyone's judging. Everyone's condemning. Or, so it feels.
As I was driving home that day, I came to a realization. My feelings of shame, of guilt, and of fear, were not from God. He does not put in us a spirit of fear or uncertainty. That was my pride. God does not speak that over me. This was not going to define me, or my kids. We would get through this. God would get us through this.
Faith. That is what I have had to stand on. And let me say, God has been so, so good. I can stand here and proclaim and shout to whoever will listen, that HE IS GOOD. God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him. God can take the bad and turn it for His good. I heard this one day and it so deeply resonated with me, "It’s not that God didn’t do anything for me. It’s not that God didn’t bless me. It’s just different...than what I thought. And as long as I’m in the prison of what I thought, I can’t be a part of what God is doing. So be set free today. There is a greater purpose and there is a bigger picture. God is using you to fight battles for your children and your children’s children. My faith is not the expectation that circumstances will be pleasant. My faith is the expectation that the voice of the Lord is upon the water. The Lord wants to set you free today from what you thought it was gonna be. The first place of deliverance is in the area of your expectation."
I don't have it all figured out and I don't have to. I know who ultimately has the victory. What I can say is I trust in Him, and His plans are bigger than my own. "God does not want you to depend on His will, He wants you to depend on Him. There’s a difference. One is “God just show me what to do that way I won’t need you.” The other one is “God I want YOU, wherever you lead me, wherever you take me, whatever it means, whatever it costs, and whatever it looks like”.
There's so much more I want to share about this journey. And, I will. This is just the beginning. But what I can say is as devastating and hard as this has been, I have also never felt more free or more alive in Him. I can honestly say that HE IS ENOUGH. If this is part of my story, if this is what He has called me to walk, if my story can help even one - then, YES! I keep thinking of Isaiah when he said, "Here I am Lord, send me!" I'll go! I will do it. It doesn't mean every day is easy. It doesn't mean I don't experience every emotion in the book and the littlest things can set the waterworks off. Without warning. But, God. He has gone before me and He is with me. He sustains me. He has given me peace, and yes, even hope. Greater things are yet to come. I know it.
To be continued...
Even now, I pause for moments at a time, staring at a blinking cursor. I do not fear judgment. Or opinions. I have come to the place where I know the only opinion or approval I seek is God's. He is continually writing my story and I believe with all my heart it is a story that I am to share. I have no other motivation than to proclaim His goodness, His faithfulness, His glory.
So, here we go...
A little more than three months ago, on May 15th, our life as we knew it was over. Just like that, our "normal" did not exist anymore. It was an ordinary Wednesday, and then it was not. I went to work, the kids went to school, and JJ even learned to tie his shoes that day. We did our usual evening routine of homework, dinner, and the boys ventured off to their rooms while my parents and I watched tv downstairs. What happened next changed everything. One phone call is all it takes to alter your life forever. I received a call and was told that my husband had been arrested. I'm positive my heart missed a few beats.
Shock. Confusion. Fear. Panic. I'm sure you can imagine. I wasn't told why. No one knew anything. It would be hours before we would even find out where he had been taken, and two more days before we found out any details. {This is not the point or focus of this post, and I will not be sharing any details}. At first I wanted to crawl into a hole and not live this life. How do you face everyone? How do you tell your kids that their dad is in jail? How do you get up and go to work, as if life is completely normal when it is everything but normal? Silas had his 6th grade field trip the following day and needed to be at the school at 5:00 a.m. His dad was supposed to go with him. I couldn't even sit and absorb the information, but instead got up and went to Disneyland with my boy. I didn't want to ruin his day. I needed to protect him if only for one more day. The next day I was having school birthday parties with JJ and Eli at school, while their dad was in the middle of a courtroom. I would get a phone call on the way home from school that day, with the details that seemed impossible to face. Life felt like a nightmare. It was as though I was watching my life in slow motion from the outside looking in. Was this even real life? It just didn't seem possible. Not thirty minutes after I heard, it was all over the media. Reporters were at my door. Every single person I knew (and didn't know) locally knew. And let me tell you, word spreads fast. Like a wildfire. So not only did I feel like I was living a nightmare, but it was a nightmare in which my whole world would know about and have front row seats.
I realized immediately that I had two choices: run away and hide, or face this head on. Also, I had four children who would be watching and absorbing my every move. What would my actions and words speak to their hearts? I decided I was not going to run.
Sunday was a pivotal day for me. It was cold and rainy and the perfect expression of what I felt on the inside. I got up and went to church and quite honestly think I threw a lot of people when I walked in the door. I can't be sure, but I'm fairly confident no one was expecting to see me there. And it wasn't pretty. I cried the entire service. There wasn't even a point to wearing makeup because my eyes were beyond swollen and mascara was a recipe for disaster. In all my hot mess, I stood there and sang praise to God as loud as I could, with tears streaming down my face, and sobbed through the entire message. It was a beautiful mess.
Afterwards, my dad and I drove to the jail to see him. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since Wednesday and huge parts of me didn't want to go. But, I knew I needed to. Driving to the jail was surreal. I was mortified. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Yes, those are all the same, but you get the idea. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. When I got there I wanted to hide my face. What were the guards thinking? How did I get here? It's as though you're standing in front of the whole world naked, exposed, unable to hide. Everyone's judging. Everyone's condemning. Or, so it feels.
As I was driving home that day, I came to a realization. My feelings of shame, of guilt, and of fear, were not from God. He does not put in us a spirit of fear or uncertainty. That was my pride. God does not speak that over me. This was not going to define me, or my kids. We would get through this. God would get us through this.
Faith. That is what I have had to stand on. And let me say, God has been so, so good. I can stand here and proclaim and shout to whoever will listen, that HE IS GOOD. God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him. God can take the bad and turn it for His good. I heard this one day and it so deeply resonated with me, "It’s not that God didn’t do anything for me. It’s not that God didn’t bless me. It’s just different...than what I thought. And as long as I’m in the prison of what I thought, I can’t be a part of what God is doing. So be set free today. There is a greater purpose and there is a bigger picture. God is using you to fight battles for your children and your children’s children. My faith is not the expectation that circumstances will be pleasant. My faith is the expectation that the voice of the Lord is upon the water. The Lord wants to set you free today from what you thought it was gonna be. The first place of deliverance is in the area of your expectation."
I don't have it all figured out and I don't have to. I know who ultimately has the victory. What I can say is I trust in Him, and His plans are bigger than my own. "God does not want you to depend on His will, He wants you to depend on Him. There’s a difference. One is “God just show me what to do that way I won’t need you.” The other one is “God I want YOU, wherever you lead me, wherever you take me, whatever it means, whatever it costs, and whatever it looks like”.
There's so much more I want to share about this journey. And, I will. This is just the beginning. But what I can say is as devastating and hard as this has been, I have also never felt more free or more alive in Him. I can honestly say that HE IS ENOUGH. If this is part of my story, if this is what He has called me to walk, if my story can help even one - then, YES! I keep thinking of Isaiah when he said, "Here I am Lord, send me!" I'll go! I will do it. It doesn't mean every day is easy. It doesn't mean I don't experience every emotion in the book and the littlest things can set the waterworks off. Without warning. But, God. He has gone before me and He is with me. He sustains me. He has given me peace, and yes, even hope. Greater things are yet to come. I know it.
To be continued...
