to India and back

Feb 6

Twelve days ago I left with a group to visit India and today I sit back home in San Diego - an entire world away - completely changed. There is still so much yet to process - the experiences, the things we saw, the emotions - but this I know, it would be impossible to return home the same.

God never ceases to amaze me. From the time I was a young girl I knew God placed a calling on my life to serve Him. I went on my first missions trip in 6th grade and every summer following that. He put a burden on my heart for the lost. When I left for Chicago in 2001, my studies were International Ministries. My heart never changed and although life didn't turn out the way I had thought, God works all things for good. Fast forward to the past year. About a month after everything happened, I found myself sitting in my pastor's office sharing my story and my heart. He told me at that time that I needed to travel with the group to India. Without even a second thought I signed up, knowing I was supposed to go. I just love how God works full circle and how His timing is always perfect. And right on time. As I shared in my previous post, the word He gave me for the year was "renew". I fully believe that for this year. He can and will restore what has been broken.

"Reach back to the promise. If He said it and spoke it over your life, there is nothing that can wage war against His Word. You might be limping, but you’re still here. You’re still chosen. You’re still called. No weapon formed against you shall prosper."

This! This is everything and I am seeing it, believing it, and claiming it wholeheartedly. My divorce was final days before my trip which for me was freeing. You know, in saying that, it may come across wrong to some people. However, you never know the full story and I have learned to be gracious with other people. Until I have experienced it, I need to not form an opinion regarding it. I don't feel the need to defend anything, but I can say with confidence that God brought me exactly where I needed to be. And He has spoken restoration and victory over my life. What I realized over the past twelve days is no matter how hard the enemy works against us to make us believe all the lies, God is still good and so much bigger. If I am completely honest and vulnerable, I spent years questioning whether I chose something else over God's calling over my life. I do not believe God works that way and/or that living in the past is helpful. What I believe is God works all things for good and that calling He placed on my heart is still there. I was not prepared for what I would experience in India and all the feelings that would arise in my heart. I am definitely still processing.

I have seen poverty and hopelessness before, but nothing quite like this. I have never felt such oppression. I want to share all of the things we saw and experienced, but much of it I cannot even speak of. Missionary visas are not allowed in India and the work there is so delicate. We were specifically told not to share much of it, so as not to hinder any work and ministry being done there. Oh, my heart. The faces of the people, the children, the women - my heart breaks. Hindus believe in many Gods. They believe in reincarnation, which is why there are cows, monkeys, goats - you name it - roaming the streets. They make sacrifices to the gods in their temple. I cannot explain what it felt like walking down the street to see the temple. Hopeless would be the best word that comes to mind and yet that does not fully encapsulate it. The poverty there is so extreme and the death rate so high especially among the children, it is devastating. We visited a blind school that absolutely broke my heart. Many of the children were born blind, but many were made blind by their parents so they would be more sympathetic beggars. At a certain age even that has little value, because they have grown older and not as sympathetic as a small child. So they are are unwanted with no where to go. There was one girl who's entire face was scarred from having acid poured over her face. No words.

We visited the red light district where if you were a woman seen there, it would be implied that you were a prostitute. The street is full of brothels run by the mafia. The police will not even go on this street. There are women and children there that have never left the street and the endless cycle of hopelessness continues. Sex trafficking is so real and prevalent and yet something we are mostly ignorant to in our day to day lives. Can you imagine if your only belief was that that was your worth? We prayed with a woman who completely broke down because we were the only people that had ever shown her any value. She didn't know who we were or where we came from, but didn't understand why we would pray for her. As heartbreaking as it was, I also believe we left her with hope. And that is what Jesus does. He gives life and He gives hope. In the midst of what seems like utter hopelessness, He is there and He is working.

Again, we saw so much that my heart hasn't fully processed it yet. Honestly, I had a hard time leaving. It's hard to return back to "normal" life when you've seen the things we saw. I definitely left a piece of my heart in India and my desire is to return some day. I realized that that is still my heart and I am excited to see what exactly that means for the future. Another thing about the trip that was so huge for me was seeing myself beyond "mom". I have poured myself into my children for the past fourteen years. We tend to see ourselves as our labels and although being a mom is one of my greatest joys and privileges, it's also okay to discover the other parts of me that have diminished. Being away from my kids for the first time and seeing that they were okay and I was okay was healthy all around. At the end of the day, they are not mine in the first place. They are entrusted to me by God and He cares so deeply for them. The Sunday before I left I was at church sitting in the kid's check in booth. I was having huge anxiety about leaving them. A woman that I did not know approached me and said, "I know this is going to sound so strange. I do not know you and I do not know your children. But God told me to tell you that He is their Heavenly Father and they are going to be okay." I absolutely broke down in that moment. God is so good and His provision, His timing, and His care are beyond my comprehension. There is not one detail too small that He doesn't care about. He sees our hearts, our desires, our worries - and He cares. He also truly makes beauty from ashes. I could never doubt it after seeing the work He has done in and through my life the past year.

Though I cannot yet understand in full the complete picture, I fully believe there are better things to come. And I will hold onto that hope without wavering, because I claim His promises. He knows the plans He has for me (and my children) and it is plans to give me a future and a hope. And I am thankful for that hope...

Enjoy a few photos.. they are all out of order, but you get the idea ;)