my story.
There's two sides to every story. We all have a story to tell and can be so great at telling ourselves a version of said story, contingent upon our feelings. I'm not gonna lie, I feel like I'm walking a moment by moment battle. It's a battle between what I know to be true, and what I feel. Outside circumstances determine which. I'm learning to process my feelings and be truly honest with myself and with God, and have found that I always circle back to truth. And the truth is what sets me free.
I know the following to be true -
I am a child of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God has a purpose and a plan for my life. Press on towards the goal. Finish the race. Consider it all joy when I encounter various trials. When I am weak, then I am strong. Commit to then Lord whatever I do and He will establish my plans. Delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which I am called. He works all things for the good of those who love Him. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. I could go on all day.
As I laid awake in my bed all night last night, I was angry. So angry. Because I am tired. I am constantly in prayer. It's what gets me through the day. I fall asleep praying, lie awake at night praying, pray in the shower, in the car, in my office, and on and on. Otherwise, I just cannot. It feels like too much. The past couple days have been particularly rough. Last night I had just had it and told God, I am angry. I am done. I am standing on a promise and the waiting feels impossible. I want to see the other side. Joy comes in the morning.... but when does the freaking morning come? How long can winter last? I get there are seasons of life, but can I just get a touch of warmth here? Can things ease up and not feel so impossible? I'm over it. I'm tired of praying. I don't want to do this. And nobody really cares. I'm all alone. I'm tired. I'm done.
I said those things, amongst others. I angrily turned on my podcast and angrily listened. In fact, I almost didn't turn it on because in that moment I really didn't want to hear anything different than what I was feeling. And of course it was the exact message I needed to hear, as if it were only for me. In fact, he says, "I'm not sure who this message is for. It's for someone not in this room..." and my hand shot up. Me, me!! It's for me.
I heard someone say once "can you give God angry praise?" Basically, I'm angry, but I'm still here. Even if my heart's having difficultly accepting it right now, I can still praise Him through it. With tears streaming down my cheeks and my teeth probably even clinched I'm all, "okay, okay, OKAY!" I was rolling my eyes and crying at the same time. And I re-listened in the car and cried all over again. The entire podcast is worth a listen and I couldn't begin to encapsulate the powerful message in a short post. But, this.
I know it's true. I love the song that says, "Even when I can't see it you're working. Even when I can't feel it you're working." There's times I absolutely cannot see it or feel it, but that doesn't change the fact that He promises to never leave me, nor forsake me. I could never doubt his presence throughout my life, but particularly the past ten months. His provision and His faithfulness have been so evident. It has been the hardest year and yet the best year. As impossible and lonely as life can seem at times, and even if I am praising Him through angry tears, I will forever proclaim Him. I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good.
I am choosing to say, there's a table for me in the presence of my enemies. My best days are not behind me. He is working all things for good. He will complete this work. That is why I will never give up. Though my body is dying, my spirit is being renewed every day (2 Cor. 4:16)
I know the following to be true -
I am a child of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God has a purpose and a plan for my life. Press on towards the goal. Finish the race. Consider it all joy when I encounter various trials. When I am weak, then I am strong. Commit to then Lord whatever I do and He will establish my plans. Delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which I am called. He works all things for the good of those who love Him. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. I could go on all day.
As I laid awake in my bed all night last night, I was angry. So angry. Because I am tired. I am constantly in prayer. It's what gets me through the day. I fall asleep praying, lie awake at night praying, pray in the shower, in the car, in my office, and on and on. Otherwise, I just cannot. It feels like too much. The past couple days have been particularly rough. Last night I had just had it and told God, I am angry. I am done. I am standing on a promise and the waiting feels impossible. I want to see the other side. Joy comes in the morning.... but when does the freaking morning come? How long can winter last? I get there are seasons of life, but can I just get a touch of warmth here? Can things ease up and not feel so impossible? I'm over it. I'm tired of praying. I don't want to do this. And nobody really cares. I'm all alone. I'm tired. I'm done.
I said those things, amongst others. I angrily turned on my podcast and angrily listened. In fact, I almost didn't turn it on because in that moment I really didn't want to hear anything different than what I was feeling. And of course it was the exact message I needed to hear, as if it were only for me. In fact, he says, "I'm not sure who this message is for. It's for someone not in this room..." and my hand shot up. Me, me!! It's for me.
I heard someone say once "can you give God angry praise?" Basically, I'm angry, but I'm still here. Even if my heart's having difficultly accepting it right now, I can still praise Him through it. With tears streaming down my cheeks and my teeth probably even clinched I'm all, "okay, okay, OKAY!" I was rolling my eyes and crying at the same time. And I re-listened in the car and cried all over again. The entire podcast is worth a listen and I couldn't begin to encapsulate the powerful message in a short post. But, this.
"You don't get to choose every situation, but you get to choose the story. You choose the story that you tell yourself. This is hard, this must not be the will of God. Or, this is so hard, it must be God. The devil must know I'm onto something.
If this is the most difficult situation of your life right now, you still get to choose the story. One person says, "I'm going through the valley of the shadow of death." Somebody else says, "there's a table for me in the presence of my enemies. If I believed that this was the end for me, I wouldn't survive. But I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I get to choose the story that I tell. Don't let doubt cut you off in the middle of a sentence that God is speaking in your life. Don't stop at the comma. But, God. The best is yet to come. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
I know it's true. I love the song that says, "Even when I can't see it you're working. Even when I can't feel it you're working." There's times I absolutely cannot see it or feel it, but that doesn't change the fact that He promises to never leave me, nor forsake me. I could never doubt his presence throughout my life, but particularly the past ten months. His provision and His faithfulness have been so evident. It has been the hardest year and yet the best year. As impossible and lonely as life can seem at times, and even if I am praising Him through angry tears, I will forever proclaim Him. I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good.
I am choosing to say, there's a table for me in the presence of my enemies. My best days are not behind me. He is working all things for good. He will complete this work. That is why I will never give up. Though my body is dying, my spirit is being renewed every day (2 Cor. 4:16)
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| We all have a story. And we get to choose... |
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| j o y |
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| more j o y |
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| or even more j o y |
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| I want to choose J O Y |
