Three hundred and twenty nine days. That's how long it's been. Three hundred and twenty nine very l o n g days. I feel like I have been waiting for the one year mark to pass, but right now, the days feel never-ending. You never know what each day will bring - what emotions, what thoughts, what joys - because it is certainly not all bad. There is so much goodness intermixed with the challenges, the doubts, the fears, and the many tears that have been shed.
There is nothing significant about one year in and of itself, but it will mark one year of making it through every single day in a new reality. It will mean we made it through every birthday, every holiday, every day of significance, and all the days in between. I will finally be able to look at my memories of "one year ago" and it won't bring up an unexpected emotion. It will turn to looking back and reflecting on how God brought me through each and every moment. I suppose it's similar to our feelings on a brand new calendar year, as though shifting from December 31st to January 1st is somehow momentous. It isn't really. It's just a marker in time. May 15th will forever be one of those days for me.
Between all the seemingly impossible days - you know, the ones that normally held special meaning and have now turned bittersweet - many days consist of just going about life. Wake up, work out, be a mom, go to work, etc. - you get the idea. We coast through the general routines of life and live what is normal to us. We have had to create a new normal, but it's now ours. You do get to where it isn't the first thought of the day or you don't wake up sad. Perhaps you're even so busy that it's a distant thought. But the moments I'm alone, the moments I'm driving and listening to music, or one of the kid's says something sweet and there's no one to send a text to, and I start to really think - it still just doesn't seem real. It would be easier to just forget it all. It would be easier to not have to deal with the hurt and the pain and wonder what your reality is. Because when I think of you, I cannot not cry. It breaks me. I break for you, for your future, for our children's future. So much was taken away from them, that I cannot change. When you are a doer, a fixer, a helper, and there's a situation where you absolutely can do nothing, it's like ripping your heart out. I was going to say, the only thing I can do is give it over to God, but that downplays God. Putting something in God's hands is the absolute best thing we can do with anything. I know that and believe that with all my heart. And that is what drives me to know that it's all God. He is my everything. He is the reason I am able to wake up and keep going. He is why I can tell our children that everything will be okay. He is all.
No matter how overwhelming it seems, no matter how weary it feels, no matter how many days seem impossible, it is momentary. When we have hope, when we have faith, we can get through it. Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision. Pain and disappointment are a part of life, but we must choose what we are going to do with it.
"Jesus said, Are you weary? Are you carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me and I will refresh your life. Join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m humble and gentle and I’m easy to please. You’ll find refreshment & rest in Me. Jesus often said come and follow me, but here He says come to Me.
He is our peace, our sustaining joy, our supplier. So when you’re at your wits end, the only place that’s gonna fulfill you is gonna be HIM. He is enough. Focus more on who you’re going with, rather than where you’re headed. Because you’re with Jesus, He can send you in directions you would never go on your own, to places you would never choose to go without Him because God is with you. Now you’re not trying to go to places that only you can go to, you’re going to places that only God can sustain you. That’s where miracles lie. Peace is not a feeling. It’s not a place. Peace is a person. Stop looking for the perfect situation. We have the perfect Savior. Even in the worst situation, I’m bringing peace with me. I’m bringing hope with me."
Yes. I'm bringing hope and peace with me, through all of the days. As much as I would love to know how everything plays out and have the "perfect" plan for tomorrow and the days to come, I don't have to know. Because He is with me. I am realizing even in this very moment that I don't have to wait until three hundred and sixty five days have passed. Nothing magical changes on that day. He is with me here and now, and I can face every day that comes my way. He is my rock, my fortress, my place of shelter. No one, no thing, and certainly no day can have power over me. I can walk this day and every day after in the power and hope and grace that is Jesus.
Wherever you are at today, friends, I pray you find peace and encouragement in the midst of uncertainty. It's easy to have faith on the good days. But when everything feels lost, when everything feels hopeless, where do we turn?
"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:25-26
Yes & Amen
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This was THE day.
What started out a normal day, turned not so normal. JJ learned to tie his shoes that day. |
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| He was so proud! |
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| And this is now. These are the days after... |
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| Still moving, still smiling |
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| Still a family. |
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| Still extra cute. |
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| Still praying. |
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| Still finding JOY |
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| Still being superheroes. |
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| Still snuggling and taking care of "baby" |
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Still on the move!
Just. like. God.
He is ON THE MOVE. |
