looking back & moving forward: two stories into one.
"Sometimes you look back at the things that afflicted you and you realize those are the very same things that developed you into the person that you are now."
Over and over in Scripture we see the concept of forgetting what is behind and straining toward what's ahead. I've heard it said that the only purpose in looking backwards is to see how far you've come. When I look back, I never would have anticipated being where I am now. If you'd have told me this is where I'd end up, I likely wouldn't have believed it. Life is full of hardship, of struggle, and of pain. Though I've experienced some trials, it's certainly not unique to me. I've seen and heard enough stories to know that people are hurting and have experienced lives that are unimaginable from my perspective. I have chosen to share my journey not because it's special, but because I have seen God at work first hand and I cannot not share it. I am daily overwhelmed and in awe of who He is, what He has done, and what He's continuing to do. Even on the worst of days, I can still proclaim that He is good - with no question. Any and all questions come from doubts of my own sufficiencies. What I have found to be true is no matter what - He is always enough.
This post has been on my heart for awhile, so buckle up - it's about to get real. Some of you reading this have known me my whole life, some of you for some years, and others I'm just meeting. I pray that if you are reading this, God will use this in some way. Our Pastor said in church yesterday, "The person sitting next to you is more valuable and precious to God than your potentially flawed view {or opinion}". This was pertaining to politics, but I wrote it down because how true is that? We so quickly form opinions or judgments based on little information or knowledge. We never truly know what someone has walked or is currently walking. It's easy to say what we would do or what someone else should do when that is not our reality. The truth is, we are called to LOVE. We want grace for ourselves, but aren't always so quick to give it. I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear and the wisdom to relate with those around me.
I've spoken very little of the past 17 years of my life and mostly out of fear. Fear of speaking up, fear of failure, fear of judgment. Having grown up in the church, divorce was never an option for me. As far as I was concerned, God hated it and I wanted to honor God. When I was sat down after 3 months of marriage and told I should get divorced, I was so confused. I won't get into the why or the circumstances behind this conversation, but I understood it later. After years and years of awful, I became a shell of a person. If you were around me, you likely didn't see me. You saw someone trying to survive. I probably didn't talk about anything pertaining to myself, but only spoke of the kids. There were years I was depressed, that turned into anger, that turned into bitterness that I bottled up. I held it all in because it felt like there were no safe spaces. In the meantime I became a person I didn't recognize. I controlled the things I could control, which made me obsess over things like my weight, what I ate, how clean the house was, etc. I smiled and tried to pretend I was okay, when on the inside I was dying. No one else would've known because we went to church every Sunday, there were smiling photos on social media, and we had the "picture perfect" family. If I'm honest, there were times I had thoughts of ending it all. I blamed myself that I must've made the wrong decision in marrying and not on the mission field as I had thought. I held onto the tiniest bit of hope and prayed continuously that God would redeem and restore my marriage. It didn't end quite the way I thought. The healing and restoration came in a different form. On May 17th, after my {now} ex-husband was arraigned and I found out the details, life felt like it was moving in slow motion. Nothing felt real. Surely I was dreaming and would wake up from this nightmare. Someone embraced me and told me, "It's all over. It's finally over." And it was.
I was told recently that there's no handbook on how to deal with something so publicly. There's not. Especially with the kids. I've heard it all you guys - I should get divorced, I shouldn't get divorced, we should move, we should stay - you get the idea. No one knows the full story and never will. The story I've chosen to share now is the miracles God has done along the way and how He has so clearly made beauty from ashes. How He has picked up all the pieces and put them back together again. How He has answered every prayer and so clearly directed our paths. Which leads me to now. To Iowa. To new.
I shared the details of how God lead us to Iowa in this post. What I have not shared is what's in Iowa? Last September I began praying about a relationship. From the time I was a young girl, God placed a calling on my heart to serve Him. Other than that call, my heart’s greatest desire was to serve alongside someone and run towards Jesus together. I was praying for someone that loved Jesus more than anything, who could love me, and love my kids as His own. I was so specific about finding someone that had never been married, had no kids, and was serving in full-time ministry. Maybe that sounds like very high expectations, but that's what God had put on my heart. I wanted to believe this person existed, but it just didn't seem reasonable. I continued to pray. I had thoughts many times of signing up for online dating and have friends that can attest to me being outright terrified of this. I waited. I prayed. I held off. Finally, I felt like God was telling me it's time. I was scared out of my mind, but I did it. I signed up to a Christian site and waited. I didn't have the the time or energy to emotionally invest in going through lots of profiles, so I prayed the right one would come along. I prayed so specifically for God to open and slam doors. I laid it before the Lord and committed to trusting Him with it.
After 8 days of nothing, I was sure this site was a joke. Granted, my profile clearly said what I was looking for in a person and also that I had four children. My insecurities played over and over in my head that no one would willingly sign up for that. Finally, one evening I got a message from someone. That one message turned into us talking 6-8 hours a day back and forth. I didn't cut him any slack and flat out asked him why he was messaging me - I had four kids. He began telling me his story and it all just made sense. He checked off every single box. But, God. Won't He do it!
After all the pain, all the tears, and all the waiting, God placed this person in my life that was everything I was praying for. And we both realized this rather quickly. Let's just say this, without the physical, you cut to the chase. There's no reason to mess around and play games. You talk about things you probably wouldn't even think to talk about on a third, fourth, or even fifth date. I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want, and so did he. We soon both confidently believed that was one another and that this was God's plan for us.
This news, amongst others, has likely come out of no where for many. I chose to keep this private, really just wanting to enjoy it and also keeping my children in mind. I prayerfully followed God's guidance in each decision and have watched His plan unfold. The stories of how God did this down the minutest detail are too many to tell and a story for another day. But, wow. God has blown me away with confirmation after confirmation of His path for us and those that have blessed this relationship. God has taken two stories and so beautifully wound them together.
There’s so many things I love about Calvin, but first and foremost I love his faith in God - coming from a space of no hope, God picked Him up and changed him. I love how he’s never looked back. I love his heart for people and his capacity to make everyone feel special. He’s full of joy and you can see it in his smile and in his laughter. He’s not afraid to share what he came through, and has a heart to use that story for God’s glory. He genuinely wants others to know and love Jesus and to have a relationship with Him. He takes every opportunity to share God’s love. I love how he has shown me what love looks like. He is so intentional and thoughtful in the smallest of details and wants me to feel loved - that’s his goal. Watching him with my children makes me love him even more. I wasn’t sure anyone could really have the capacity to see them as their own, and yet he does. He has jumped right in and seeks to show them that he loves them and he cares. From doing homework, to putting on shoes, to playing video games, to playing dolls, he is hands on. He has embraced all of us as family, right from the start. I love his faith that this is what God has for us and he’s wholeheartedly accepting it.
His story blows me away and I cannot imagine what he has come through. What God brought Him through. I asked him to write it out in his own words.
"I had an unhealthy idea of what love looked like growing up. My biological father didn’t want anything to do with me, and an extended family member wanted too much to do with me physically. The bible references life as a race, and my race started with hurdles. I stumbled, and I feel, instead of turning towards God for comfort, I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. The first time I experienced marijuana was in the third grade, I got into drinking in middle school, and started experimenting with hard things such as methamphetamines and psychedelics in high school. I was running from my childhood trauma and was trying whatever it took to numb that pain to fill that void. My self-prescribed treatment only intensified my trauma, perpetuated my pain, and increased the void within.
This cycle continued until my 30th birthday, seven years ago. I drank enough liquid confidence to finally confront my biological father and have our first conversation. The only question I wanted to know was why he didn’t want me. “I don’t know,” was his response. For some reason, this gave me closure, to know he was just as unsure as I was about why. Through our two hour conversation, I realized he was carrying his own trauma from life and coping with it similarly with alcohol, which inspired me that night to give up it, to quit relying on alcohol to cope. This lasted a month before I relapsed, which made me finally realize it had to be all or nothing. I was done. I still struggled with marijuana addiction, but every other illegal substance was out of my life. The next six months were the most challenging season of my life, facing my trauma without the crutch of alcohol, which lead me to nearly ending my life.
I was raw, I was overwhelmed, and I was distant from God. I was trying to do it all on my own, and it was just making things worse. By this point, I was homeless, jobless, and hopeless. The enemy was in my head and telling me everything I had been running from, “Why would anybody love you, your own father didn’t,” “You’ll never amount to anything, just give up.”. That was my plan, to give up. I started to make my way to a bridge in town; my plan was to end my life over its edge. I texted my mother, told her I loved her, and thanks for doing what she could. “Come home” was her response, amongst other things, and for some reason, I did. I was three blocks away from ending my life; thankfully, three days later, God had a totally different plan.
My mother texted me and asked if I’d come to revival; I said if it’s like Creedence Clearwater Revival, I’d go. (Google them, you’re welcome.) I was trying to be funny; she was trying to save my life. I went to the revival to make my mother happy; it was March 17th, 2014. St. Patricks Day of all days. God is funny like that. While there, I heard this truth that everyone needs to know and make known. “Nobody is too far gone for the mercy, and love of God.” Before the altar call was even over, I ran up front and gave my life to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That day Jesus, as He does, restored everything the enemy was trying to take. He made good out of every trial and trauma I experienced, as He does for those that love Him. I finally knew what love looked like. Through Him, through His people, I finally realized and accepted who I was all along. His son.
Many may look at my story and find it hard to believe. Many have looked at my story and think I could turn back. There is no turning back - Jesus saved me from myself for a reason, mainly to remind those that are hopeless, that there is hope. This goes for people that know someone that seems too far gone, or for that person that feels too far gone. There is hope. That hope is found in Jesus.
God has given me abundantly more than I could ever pray since placing my hope in Him. Since becoming a Christian I’ve prayed for three things. 1. To find a wife that loves Jesus more than she loves me. 2. That she could love me for me. 3. That she would serve with me in ministry. He has answered these prayers and so much more with bringing Melissa into my life. Not only do I get to marry a woman out of my league (I mean, have you seen her?!) I get to help raise her four children. I know the hurt created when men neglect being a father and I’ve felt called from a young age to be a father. I do not take this role lightly and look forward, with Gods guidance to provide, nurture, and protect all that has been given to me.
When I proposed to Melissa I asked if she would let me love her as Jesus loves His church. I vow to those reading this that is a promise I’ll strive to keep. The Bible says when you find a wife, you have found what is good, and Melissa is more than good. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me aside from knowing Jesus.
To Him be all the glory."
We are so thankful for God's love, His goodness, and His grace to bring about restoration. Our desire is to run towards Jesus together and we cannot wait to continue sharing our story and what God is doing in our lives. We pray our union is what God intended marriage to be - a picture of Christ's love for His church. Thank you for walking this journey with us and sharing in our joy.
