normalcy.

My mind was spinning as I laid wide awake in bed last night.  There wasn't a sound to be heard except the quiet hum of the fan on the nightstand.  Then I heard it.  The loud whistle of the train, announcing its presence, like clock work.  We were told when we moved to this particular spot that the view was gorgeous and it's really peaceful and quiet.  We would get used to the train.  It's true.  I rarely notice it.  It has become so common and routine that it's a part of life.  It's normal.

I remember wanting normal so badly and feeling like it would never come.  Did it even exist anymore?  I prefer routine.  I like to know what to expect - there's just a certain comfort in that.  I've learned that life isn't all about comfort and there's certainly no guarantee of it.  Really, the conclusion I've come to is it's not about me at all.  I've spoken of it before, but reframing the question from "why" to "what".  My experience, my pain, my reality - the only purpose in any of it is to bring glory to God.  Paul so beautifully reminds us of in Philippians, 

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

"Are we allowing our circumstances to interpret our view of God, or is our view of God interpreting our circumstances?"  That's the place we have to get to.  Our God is unchanging, and our faith should not shift with the wind.  He was and is and is to come.  He is not a sometimes God, but always.  

I also ask myself if I just want routine, am I aiming too small?  Do I just want to be comfortable or do I want to live in bold faith?  Whatever the situation, God promises to never leave us, nor forsake us.  Think on that.  The same God that created the universe and all that is, is always with us.  And I truly believe He is always speaking and guiding - but are we listening?  Are we looking for Him?  No different than the train.  It's always there.  When I get caught up and fixated on all the other things around me, I don't notice it.  When I'm anticipating it, I cannot miss it.  There it is, in all its grandeur, boldly announcing its presence.  And something about it is oh so peaceful, especially in the middle of the night when the rest of the house lies asleep.  It feels like it's just me and the train.  Me and God.  Somehow it melts all the cares away, if only for a moment.  

I remember so many nights lying awake in tears, crying out to God.  Often, in a very vulnerable state.  I am so mad right now.  I didn't ask for this.  I don't want this.  But, I trust You.  One of my favorite sermon's spoke about "angry praise".  God, I'm angry, but I'm gonna praise You anyway.  When I came to the absolute end of myself, it changed everything.  When you walk through the fire and realize He is right there with you in it, you know you can do all things.  

I look back on the past several months and know those weren't steps I ever would have taken on my own.  It was boldly believing in the direction and steps in which God was leading.  As life settles, I do not want to settle for mediocrity, mundane, or even safe.  I want that same faith that got me through the darkest of nights to lead me into what's before me.  I want to trust wholeheartedly in the One who has guided me and never forsaken me, and not the voices of the enemy or other distractions.  I want to follow "the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only does wondrous things!" Psalm 72:18.  I want to believe in the God of the Bible, not whoever I want Him to be.  I do not want my circumstances to determine my faith.  I want a faith that declares His goodness in all times and in all seasons.  I don't want to back away from the things I know He has spoken.  1 Corinthians says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  That's why I desire to share, and continue sharing what the Lord has done and continues to do.

He is always good.  But He has been so kind.  And that is the conclusion I came to after some restless hours last night, finally hearing the roar of the train.  That train filled my heart with peace and thankfulness for how far we have come.  I am thankful for where we are and that I get to hear that train every day and every night.  It's a reminder of His constant presence.    

If you look close, you can see the tracks by the river!

Also, just for fun - This could be my favorite Christmas song ever.  Last year it had me weeping.  I've had it on repeat the past few days and honestly, nothing says it better.  Here comes heaven.