to Silas on your fifteenth birthday

My boy,

Every year it seems like I just sat down to write you.  And yet here I sit again.  Another revolution around the sun, another 365 1/4th days.  I have to be precise, because you appreciate those sorts of things.

You are fifteen.  Although I've watched it happen with my own eyes, it still feels impossible.  You know I could go on endlessly and likely even cry, but really I just want you to know how much I love you.  I want you to know how proud I am of you.  Though your life - especially in the past two years - has not been without difficulty, I have watched you enter into manhood gracefully.  You have not given up, you have not given into the pain, and you have fought for faith.  You've had questions.  We've had lots of tears.  But you've chosen to still trust and believe in the good.  His good.  You've taken on responsibilities you shouldn't have had to.  You have been a protector, a comforter, and a friend to your brothers and sister.  And, to me.

There's so much I love about you.  I love your humor.  You are so quick witted.  I love how you can say most anything with a straight face, but also how I know when you're joking, straight face and all.  I love your face when you are about to crack.  You seriously make me laugh everyday.  I love how passionate you are about the things you care about.  We all need passion and things to motivate us.  Never lose that drive and capacity to succeed.  I love how you are just you, unapologetically.  You've never fallen into social norms and don't give thought to what people think of you.  That takes strength.  Truthfully, I love that I still don't embarrass you.  I keep waiting for it.  However, you are never without a hug or an I love you.  Every day, and every night.  In fact, you won't go to bed without saying goodnight.  I love that heart of yours.

You're brilliant.  I encourage you to use that mind God gifted you with for His glory.  I know and believe He can do mighty things through you.  Silas, I pray for you everyday.  I pray you run after Him with all your heart.  Yes, life is full of disappointments and hard, but there is also so much good.  We have seen that.  We have seen one another at our worst, and we have picked ourselves up and rebuilt.  I see a fire in you I haven't seen in a long time.  I see a genuine smile.  I see joy.  I am beyond excited for what God has in store.  I don't know all the details, but I believe His promises to be true.

Though I would do anything to take away your pain, I also know it's growing and shaping you.  Though I cannot fix things, I trust in the One who can.  If there's one thing I've learned, it's that we have zero control.  The only thing we can control is our focus - the things we think on, the things we see, the voice we allow in our ear.  I pray you choose Jesus over and over again and find yourself complete in Him.  

I know I cannot stop the time.  I know that soon you'll be off on your own and diving into what God has for your life.  Wherever you end up, I pray you will also know that you are wholly loved by Him and by me.  I believe in you, I support you, I love you.  I have loved every stage of watching you grow, because you're an amazing young man.  I am honored that you are my son.  

Words are never sufficient.  They cannot do justice to what I want to say.  Just know I love you forever, no matter what.  

All my heart, 

Mom