Milestones.
It's a BIG week.
There are two significant things happening. I am turning the big 4-0, and my book is being released. Eek. Naturally, this has caused lots of thought and reflection.
Forty. Wow - what a milestone. I guess I am "over the hill" now, as they say. I'll never forget my mom turning 40 and how far off that felt for me. I had just turned 18, and I was her baby. Sorry, mom, for just giving away your age - but as everyone says when they look at you and look at me - you are so young. If it makes you feel any better, I am forty with a five-year-old.
Although you cannot imagine growing older when you're young, you realize it's just a number as you age. But you also realize what's important. I look at my life now and feel so grateful. I am thankful for the journey and all that the Lord has done. 40 doesn't make me feel old; it makes me feel blessed.
I think back to two years ago. I felt the complete opposite and like I was having a mid-life crisis as my life had turned completely upside down. In my thirty-seventh year, my husband was arrested, we were in danger of losing everything, and I found myself newly divorced and a single mom with four children. Turning thirty-eight, I distinctly remember lamenting that I was too old to pick up the pieces and begin again. I couldn't understand what my future would hold, even though I knew Who held it. I cried to a few friends about my fears, at times allowing those fears to override my faith. But I also remember giving those very real feelings to God and trusting Him to turn things for good. I began praying so specifically for God to redeem and gave Him the cries of my heart. And in that thirty-eighth year, I saw the fruition of all those prayers. But, God.
During that time, God also reminded me of something He had spoken to me as a child. I vividly remember feeling led to write my story as a girl and then realizing there wasn't much to write. God brought me back to that moment, and I immediately knew He was preparing me as a child for what I was later supposed to do.
That being said, I cannot say I've always felt the confidence or the ability to do this. It felt bigger than me. Nevertheless, I knew what God had said. So, I had a choice. Would I do the hard thing and obey or cave to my insecurities and doubts?
I knew I had to obey, which is the "why" for this book.
As I've been thinking about this week and how big it feels, the Lord highlighted two Psalms as I read this morning. First, in Psalm 39,
"O Lord, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!"
Yes, that may sound bleak at first glance. But our life is but a vapor. May we know what we are living for - or more importantly, Who. When we live in that perspective, it changes our focus. Are we living for the here and now, or for eternity?
The next was in Psalm 40,
"Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust…
You have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told."
I want my trust to be in the Lord. I want to spend my days proclaiming His wondrous deeds because they indeed are too many to tell.
If I’m honest, this can all feel overwhelming. But it’s not about me. It’s about God and what He can do. And that’s not something I want to limit. He is all powerful, all knowing, and His purposes will endure with or without me. Lord, may it be with.
To Him be all the glory, forever.
