part five.

Sep 13

For days I have had one song on repeat, that so deeply resonates with my spirit - as music so often does. At the beginning of all of this, I would spend many hours just driving around with no where to go and nothing to do. But I would listen to music, praising God and crying my eyes out. Wandering. When out of no where my life seemingly crumbled, I felt a whole new level of restlessness. It felt like a huge void that no one could fill. There was no easy fix - no snap my fingers and somehow wake up from the nightmare. In many ways I had never felt more alone. There was no handbook on how to handle the circumstances that life brought me. He has brought me so far from feeling and given me faith. When I first heard this song the lyrics immediately hit me as if it were written just for me. You can listen to the song here, but the lyrics are as follows:

When I'm spent and restless,

A thousand marks I've missed.

Your cross says "It's finished",

Not one sin have I missed.

You love me, You always have.

You choose me, just as I am.

You love me, You always have.

When lies say you're absent,

And I feel abandoned.

You stir in, the stillness,

And all I know is this, All I know is.

You love me, You always have,

You choose me, just as I am.

You love me, You always have.

This got me to thinking of how we so often define God by our circumstances, rather than letting God define our circumstances. You really have to dig deep to your core and ask yourself all the hard questions. What do I really believe? I can read the Word and list all the attributes of God, but when it comes down to it, do I really believe what I say I believe? Is my faith just words, or is my faith action? Is God still good even when things are bad? Yes! Does God really never leave me, nor forsake me? He NEVER leaves me. Can I still praise Him in the middle of a storm? Oh, yes! I listened to a podcast the other day that was speaking on Mark 6. Jesus had just fed the five thousand and sent the disciples to Bethsaida. He stayed behind to go up on the mountainside to pray. The disciples ended up on the boat in the middle of the storm, and shortly after Jesus calmed the storm. He told them, "take courage, it is I. Do not be afraid." He sent them ahead, knowing there would be a storm. He doesn't cause the storm, but He can calm the storm. "In this passage, the storm doesn't mean God left you, the storm means God is on the way. The storm is a sign that grace is on the way." Yes! Grace is on the way. It's already there.

"The greatest temptation of life is to find your validation in a source other than Christ. Every wilderness looks different but the purpose for your wilderness is that you demonstrate the power of God in your life, and the power of God does not come until after. After. Maybe that’s what faith is. It’s believing before what you will only understand after. Some of the dry places that we would avoid are the very places that God would use the most. The key is can I believe it before I see it?"

Naturally, my mind has questioned so many things. All the big questions. The why's, the how's, the what if's. If I could go back and make different decisions, would I? Honestly, and let me tell you - I have really thought a lot about this. No, I wouldn't. All of it has made me who I am. All of it has brought me to this place, to this purpose, to this calling. And my circumstances do not define me. God does. He loves me, He always has. He chooses me, just as I am. How beautiful and powerful is that? I honestly look forward to what is ahead, because I know and trust in the goodness of God. I know His plans are greater than my own. I know He knows the desire of my heart and I trust Him with that. You know the cliche, let go and let God? I mean, cliches tend to make your eyes roll back in your head, but they are cliché for a reason. Often they are true. The best thing I can do in all of this is give it all up and surrender it to Him.

You never stop,

You never stop chasing.

You never stop,

You never stop wanting me.

Never stop,

You never stop calling my name,

I'll never know how much.

Thank you God, for your endless pursuit of me. For loving me, for wanting me, for calling me. May I find joy in all of the circumstances.