part seven.
When our world is off-kilter, our natural tendency is to hide, to protect, or perhaps even avoid. If I don't acknowledge it, maybe it'll go away? I will say that the first few days of all of this, I was convinced it had to be a dream. Rather, a nightmare. Surely I was going to wake up at some point. It was as if I was watching a movie from the outside looking in. This could not be my life. Whatever it was, it operated in slow motion. It was impossible to catch my breath, my chest ached, my stomach was in knots, and a lump remained in the back of my throat. It was cold and rainy outside, the perfect representation of how I felt on the inside. At some point reality started to click. This was indeed happening, and was ever so real whether I wanted it to be or not.
There was no hiding from this and I knew wanted to move forward in truth. In being real, I have to say the most difficult thing in all of this has not been the public exposure, the heartbreak, or the death of my marriage, but the reality for my kids. Parts of me wanted to pack up and run as far away as we could. Maybe to a deserted island. I could not imagine a scenario of sitting my children down and telling them what was happening. How do I destroy their entire world in a breath? The thought of it felt debilitating.
But there was not a choice. If you've kept up with my posts and the timeline of events, you'll remember he was arrested on a Wednesday night. The following day I had to tell Silas because he was relentlessly asking where his dad was and he knew something was wrong. He knows me too well. I will never forget that face. Ever. On Friday after he went to court and everything began circling in the news, I told Eli and JJ. It was a conversation of your worst nightmares. Simply unimaginable. The heart break on their faces, in their eyes, in their questions - it's difficult to even think about now. I cannot unsee it. And yet, the truth will set you free. There was an immediate feeling of relief once I told them, as we could all begin to move forward and process together. My goal has been to be as honest and forthright as possible, giving them the information they can handle and at the appropriate times. We have had many sit downs and difficult conversations over the past 4 months.
I had to tell them the life they knew does not exist anymore and we have to create a new normal. But that we were going to be okay. We were going to lean into God and lean on each other. As hard as it is to understand from the outside looking in, we are doing so well. God has been so gracious and good. He has provided me with a new job, Eva with a new school, the boys with the most amazing people in their lives, the means to sell and buy a new house, a church family that has loved on and surrounded us, and so many little blessings along the way. A check out of no where that helps pay the bills, an unexpected conversation, an encouraging text message or note just at the moment I needed it... the list goes on. It would be impossible to look backwards and not see God in it all. I hope to share so many of those stories along the way.
Even the hard moments can become teachable moments. Believe me, those come just as unexpectedly. I have found that the smallest of things can set any of us off. It's like a wave that comes out of no where and knocks the wind out of you. Again, this is most often through the kids that I experience this. When Silas tells me through tears, "I just really miss dad." When Eva says out of no where, "Where is my daddy? My daddy is gone. I want to find him." When Eli has no words, but just eyes welling with tears. When JJ says, "I can't live like this. I need a dad." But all of these conversations have also turned into beautiful moments of tears, of love, of prayer, of gratitude. The most important thing in all of this and the reason I have felt called to share my story is this: I couldn't do any of it without God. Without my faith. It's ALL Him. It's all to His glory.
"Faith is a focus. It’s the ability to say I’m putting my eyes on the goodness of God in this moment. And I’m not looking back, and I’m not looking forward, and I’m not looking around. My mind has already reached a conclusion. God is for me, God is with me. If the wind be against me, if the world be against me, if all Hell’s power nails Him to a cross, in three days He will rise because my faith is focused on the Word of God that I’m walking towards. The wind doesn’t have to stop for you to keep walking towards Jesus. And the situation doesn’t have to get better for you to see the glory of God. If your life is built on the foundation of His Word, there is no wind that can rage against you that can shake it off."
Wow. Does that not stop you in your tracks? Faith is not a feeling. Faith is a decision. I believe or I do not. My faith should not shift like the sand, ever changing with my circumstances. My hope is in Jesus alone. I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs, on my playlist that is ever growing and ever healing to my soul! Have a listen here.
There was no hiding from this and I knew wanted to move forward in truth. In being real, I have to say the most difficult thing in all of this has not been the public exposure, the heartbreak, or the death of my marriage, but the reality for my kids. Parts of me wanted to pack up and run as far away as we could. Maybe to a deserted island. I could not imagine a scenario of sitting my children down and telling them what was happening. How do I destroy their entire world in a breath? The thought of it felt debilitating.
But there was not a choice. If you've kept up with my posts and the timeline of events, you'll remember he was arrested on a Wednesday night. The following day I had to tell Silas because he was relentlessly asking where his dad was and he knew something was wrong. He knows me too well. I will never forget that face. Ever. On Friday after he went to court and everything began circling in the news, I told Eli and JJ. It was a conversation of your worst nightmares. Simply unimaginable. The heart break on their faces, in their eyes, in their questions - it's difficult to even think about now. I cannot unsee it. And yet, the truth will set you free. There was an immediate feeling of relief once I told them, as we could all begin to move forward and process together. My goal has been to be as honest and forthright as possible, giving them the information they can handle and at the appropriate times. We have had many sit downs and difficult conversations over the past 4 months.
I had to tell them the life they knew does not exist anymore and we have to create a new normal. But that we were going to be okay. We were going to lean into God and lean on each other. As hard as it is to understand from the outside looking in, we are doing so well. God has been so gracious and good. He has provided me with a new job, Eva with a new school, the boys with the most amazing people in their lives, the means to sell and buy a new house, a church family that has loved on and surrounded us, and so many little blessings along the way. A check out of no where that helps pay the bills, an unexpected conversation, an encouraging text message or note just at the moment I needed it... the list goes on. It would be impossible to look backwards and not see God in it all. I hope to share so many of those stories along the way.
Even the hard moments can become teachable moments. Believe me, those come just as unexpectedly. I have found that the smallest of things can set any of us off. It's like a wave that comes out of no where and knocks the wind out of you. Again, this is most often through the kids that I experience this. When Silas tells me through tears, "I just really miss dad." When Eva says out of no where, "Where is my daddy? My daddy is gone. I want to find him." When Eli has no words, but just eyes welling with tears. When JJ says, "I can't live like this. I need a dad." But all of these conversations have also turned into beautiful moments of tears, of love, of prayer, of gratitude. The most important thing in all of this and the reason I have felt called to share my story is this: I couldn't do any of it without God. Without my faith. It's ALL Him. It's all to His glory.
"Faith is a focus. It’s the ability to say I’m putting my eyes on the goodness of God in this moment. And I’m not looking back, and I’m not looking forward, and I’m not looking around. My mind has already reached a conclusion. God is for me, God is with me. If the wind be against me, if the world be against me, if all Hell’s power nails Him to a cross, in three days He will rise because my faith is focused on the Word of God that I’m walking towards. The wind doesn’t have to stop for you to keep walking towards Jesus. And the situation doesn’t have to get better for you to see the glory of God. If your life is built on the foundation of His Word, there is no wind that can rage against you that can shake it off."
Wow. Does that not stop you in your tracks? Faith is not a feeling. Faith is a decision. I believe or I do not. My faith should not shift like the sand, ever changing with my circumstances. My hope is in Jesus alone. I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs, on my playlist that is ever growing and ever healing to my soul! Have a listen here.
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| Look at those faces! J o y in the midst of all the hard. |
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| Our attitude is a choice. |
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| Sometimes we are joyful. |
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| Other times there are tears. |
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| But mostly, it's joy. |
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| And we stick together. |
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| And Silas will always remain super goofy! Evidence above. |
