part nine.

Oct 4

It has been a week for the books. Quite honestly, I don't even know how to start or where to begin. I'm overwhelmed by God's goodness. This song perfectly describes it. Maybe it's true for everyone, but music has a way of reaching my soul like nothing else, which is why I love to share the ones that really touch my heart. I feel like this song says it better than I could express in my own words.

I was listening to a podcast this morning on Matthew 6, speaking about worry. We spend countless hours fretting over things that either we have absolutely no control over in the first place, or over problems that don't even exist. It's such a waste. And not only that, it simply goes to show our lack of faith. I'd say if there's one huge take away from the past few months it's been that I have zero control. It doesn't matter what my plans were. Those are gone. Tomorrow? Tomorrow will worry about itself. I had zero control just in today. My whole day was planned and guess what? It didn't go according to plan. I've had to learn to roll with the punches and be more flexible. Easier said than done sometimes. The other night I came home starving and opened the fridge looking for grapes. At the site of an empty drawer, my eyes actually welled with tears. True story. Of course, it was much larger than grapes... but grapes were all it took to make me cry.

I've learned to lean into God. To trust in His plan, in His provision, in His timing. And I pray so very specifically. I've shared on social media this week about listing our house. When everything happened and I needed to get my finances in order, one of the important things I knew we needed to do was sell the house. I'd rather not get into the details of why, but it makes the most sense. In my plan, I could list right away and move. Fun fact - it's not that simple. Legally. Financially. Practically. A lot had to be taken care of before that. But, God knew. Looking back, both my mom and I got new jobs (both of which were not in our own timing or plan), there were legal factors that needed to be set in place that I wouldn't have known about, there were things that needed to be repaired, etc. My mind was panicking. How could I possibly maintain the mortgage? How could I do this? The fact is - I couldn't, but God could. He knew what I needed even when I did not. According to my plan, things weren't moving fast enough. His plan was just right.

I very specifically prayed for the timing of the sale of the house, of the purchase of a new house, and of the transition. Our home was listed for less than 48 hours and we were in escrow. We got much more than list price, and just what we needed. They are willing to let us rent the house back for up to 45 days, giving us time to find a new home. Have we found that home yet? Nope. We won't even start making offers for two weeks when we are out of contingencies. Am I worried? Nope. God has the perfect house for us, that will meet our needs. It might not be listed yet. Who even knows? We don't see the full and bigger picture of how God is working. To some it may sound simple minded, but I genuinely know and believe that God has this. I can spend 15 hours a day looking on Redfin. I can worry and fret over not knowing what's coming next or exactly where we will end up. Or, I can choose to trust that HE already has a plan and He will guide me to it.

"Whatever is surrounding you... God is already surrounding it. So much of our peace is dependent on whether we can perceive the second circle. When you live in the first circle, it’s always never enough. If you start with not enough, you end with not enough. If you start with El Shaddai, who is more than enough, you end with more than enough. Reverse your worry. My Father knows what I need. I have needs, but I don’t start with the need. If I start with the need, I’ll end with the need. But if I start with a God who knows what I need, I will end with a God who knows what I need. He is “Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

Jaw to the ground. Chew on that. My other favorite line from the above podcast was "worship is worry in reverse." It's choosing to say, God, YOU are in control. I trust in YOU. YOU are bigger than my plan. If you take care of the birds of the sky and the flowers in the field, surely you care much more about me. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

He cares. Oh, how He loves us. And oh how freeing it would be if we truly did cast all our cares upon Him. He takes care of the details. Those desires in my heart? He cares. My longings, my dreams? He cares. And I can promise you this. His plan is so much better than anything I could ever dream up and as I lean into Him, my desires will become His desires.

I have to say, please don't think I have it all figured out. I'm learning and growing along the way. Sunday I cried more than I've cried in a long time. Monday morning, my eyes were practically glued shut and swollen. Fear struck, all the emotions of the reality of selling the house hit me (among other things), and I was feeling so completely alone. But, God. He cares. And He works all things for good. And, He continually shows me His faithfulness and provision in even the smallest of details. I could write a book on the small details. Maybe one day I will. I pray God can use the small parts that I am able to share in the mean time. To God be the glory.