winter.

Lately, life has felt like I'm running on fumes.  One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  When the boys were little, I used to run every day.  I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, the worst part was always the very end.  I could see the goal - the finish line - but that last amount of energy and effort it took to get to the end was the hardest part of the whole run.  It's a mental game to not stop before.  You're tired and you just want to walk.  You just want it to be over. But there's that determination deep down that keeps you going towards your victory.

In so many ways, my life feels like that.  I can see the hope - the beauty - ahead.  But, I'm exasperated.  As we near the end of this year, are in sight of closing on both homes, and are moving forward towards newness as a family, it takes every ounce of faith and energy to keep going.  I am reminded of the word God gave me for this year.  Abandon.  Check out what I wrote in the beginning of 2019.  

"2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "For the eyes of the Lord move over all the earth so that He may give strength to those whose whole heart is given to Him."  That is my desire.  To give him my whole heart.  Not the parts that are easy... but even the parts that are not.

When Jesus was speaking to the rich young ruler in Mark 10, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.”  The ruler was happy to follow Jesus as long as he had his safety net.  His back up plan of safety and security.  Jesus desires us to follow with abandon.  I pray that I will not look back, but look forward, with arms high and heart abandoned to Him."

I want to cry.  But, God.  He was preparing my heart for this battle.  I no longer have plans, or backup plans, or an agenda.  The only thing I have to stand on is my faith.  At our church, the current sermon series is on Seasons.  A season is an appointed occasion.  As sure as the earth spins and the sun rises and falls, we will all go through seasons.  And in the midst of it we must ask ourselves the following: Do I truly trust God in His future plan for me?  Do I trust God and His timing?  Do I trust God and His path for me?  Easy to ask, perhaps not so easy to answer.  

We were made to be victorious, but in order to have a victory there must be a battle.  I've been living in winter.  And it feels oh so long.    And cold.  I fell in love with this song that was sung in church a couple weeks ago.  

I can see the promise

I can see the future

You're the God of seasons

And I'm just in the winter

If all I know of harvest

Is that it's worth my patience

Then if You're not done working

God I'm not done waiting  

So many things encourage me along the way, even in the midst of the hard.  Whether it's a podcast, a song, a hug, an encouraging word.  But this hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Trust Him enough to stretch the small thing over the bigger thing. I need you to see yourself on the other side of this. What it’s gonna be like when you’re helping somebody else.  And all the hell you went through wasn’t wasted, but it’s invested.  Push past the sticking point. You’ve got a spotter and God is not gonna let it fall on you. You gotta imagine okay, I will rejoice again. I will sing again. My children are gonna be free because I fought for this. But you have to walk through it. And that means you have to walk through something that feels like it could collapse on you at any time. God made an interstate highway through a sea. Who else can do that? Only God. Stay in the uncomfortable place and see His purpose for your life fulfilled. Hold onto what you know."  

I will continue to hold on.  I will stand with arms high and heart abandoned to the one who gave it all.  If You're not done working God, I'm not done waiting.  Thank you for the grace and faith to walk this road.  Help me to push through to the end.  You make all things beautiful and I know you will redeem, restore, and heal.  Thank you for your faithfulness and new mercies everyday.

My heart