full circle.

This one is difficult to begin, because my heart doesn't know how or where to start.  Today, I will say goodbye to my family.  I was reflecting yesterday on the goodness of God and the beauty He creates - the thought and care He shows in even the smallest of details.  He knows just what we need and so lovingly provides.  Faith Chapel has been everything to me and this journey began exactly two years ago.  

We had been invited to attend Faith Chapel by Joe - who was preaching that day - and I remember at the time not being excited about it.  We were not looking for a church.  We had a church.  Attending this unfamiliar place was not part of my plan and quite honestly, it was throwing off our "normal" Sunday schedule.  After all, with four children, routine and structure were my safe space.  Nevertheless, we walked through those glass doors and were greeted with burnt orange and baby blue carpet and a massive space, but the friendliest of faces.  It was huge and yet welcoming.  Something felt different.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but God was nudging my heart then and there, drawing me in.  After dropping off Eva and entering the sanctuary, we found a spot on the far right side of the room near the back. That first Sunday turned into returning the next, and then the next, to where we instinctively got up and drove back every week.  We were not looking for a church, but we found a home.  A family.  My future job.  A place of safety.  The place that walked me through my deepest pain and into my greatest adventure.  God knew exactly what we needed. He went before us and placed our family there, my stubborn heart and all.

Granted, the first 9 months we sat in the pew.  I recall sitting in that giant sanctuary in the near dark with tears streaming down my face often.  I always appreciated the lights being turned down during worship because I wanted to sit and be unseen.  I didn't want anyone to notice me, or the tears.  I remember sending some of Pastor's messages to my parents - who were still in Texas at the time - asking them to listen.  In the days after everything turned upside down, I remember feeling so numb.  I was in a daze, barely functioning.  The kids had been taken out of town, I could barely eat, sleep, process - anything.  The weather was unusually rainy and the perfect reflection of what I was feeling on the inside.  I do not recall much about that weekend except knowing that the one place I knew I wanted to be was at church.  Entering the building my heart was equally parts terrified of again, being seen, and yet desperate for God's presence.  In the beginning, my heart raced every time I entered a room because I felt so exposed.  Somehow I believed everyone knew who I was and that they were silently judging me.  But that was just not the case.  That Sunday, my dad and I moved to a completely different spot - the second section on the left, third row.  There were people that came over to me and said nothing, but embraced me.  I will never forget when the lights when down and the worship began, feeling overwhelmed and overcome by God's presence.  I was weeping so hard I could barely make out the words to the songs, but somehow nothing mattered.  This day changed it all for me.  I knew God had planted me there and from then on out, we were there every time the doors were open.  There was just something about it that changed me, that comforted me, that blessed the deepest parts of my soul.  

I began meeting with Pastor almost weekly, sharing my story, my heart, and seeking counsel.  Days before school was to begin again, I began to feel unsettled regarding returning to the job I had worked at the previous 14 years.  One morning while on my way to the gym, I began to pray that God would send me a job and would give me peace about Eva.  Knowing I would now be working full time, my heart was not at peace about sending her to school full-time without me being on the school campus with her.  She was two and my momma heart couldn't fathom it.  As I prayed, I remember seeing a rainbow in the sky and marveling at it because it had not rained.  That day I had a scheduled meeting with Pastor and near the end, I half jokingly asked if he had a job.  I'll never forget how he paused and said, "Yes, I do.  I found out this morning."  He had an opening for a full time assistant to the Children's Pastor.  I also learned that Eva would be able to attend their preschool on campus.  God.  He did it.

Within only a couple weeks of being hired, I found out the Children's Pastor was taking a new position at a different church.  Somehow, I then found myself taking over the job.  With my Bible degree and years of experience with children, they were willing to work alongside me in this new role.  I remember sitting in my office with my heart pounding out of my chest.  What in the world?  God.  I cannot do this.  I do not feel adequate or equipped or, or, or..  But, I knew if God put me there, He would equip me to do it.  So for the past year, that is where God has had me.  I cannot speak to all of the why's or the how's, but I can say that God knew just what my heart needed.  He gave me the passion, the heart, and the drive to do what He had called me to do in this season.  I cannot speak to any significant accomplishments and will likely always look back at this in pure wonder, but I can speak to this season being everything I needed it to be.  It wasn't just a job.  It wasn't just an office.  It wasn't just people.  It was a place where I was surrounded by God's presence, by grace, and by love.  It was a space of healing.  Pastor always had an open door.  I cannot count how many times I'd knock, pop my head in and ask "do you have a second?", only to leave a couple hours later with a tear stained face.  He was always available to talk through anything and everything, job related or personal.  I had never had an office before.  And it was so much more than that.  It was a space of worship.  A prayer room.  A desk that collected actual puddles of tears.  Four walls that I could enter and just give it all up.  The place where I didn't have to hold it all together, because at home I tried to stay strong.  It was a space of new beginnings and forever friendships.  I am not sure how much they needed me, but I know how much I needed them.  God knew.  God provided.

I've made so many friends along the way.  There have been countless conversations within those walls.  I have run back and forth between the kid's building and the sanctuary more times than I could count.  I have grown and stretched beyond what I thought possible.  Those walls hold equal parts of my laughter and my tears.  Last fall Pastor did a series on Seasons.  The seasons of life.  If you go through my posts to the right, you'll find one titled Winter.  My winter felt so long.  I thought it would be unending.  But, no.  God has lead me into the harvest.  He has lead me full circle.  Faith Chapel has brought me through all four seasons.  Faith Chapel has changed me.  It will forever hold a giant piece of my heart.  There are so many people that have eternally impacted my heart and I so wish I had the time to tell every story.  Quite honestly, it's too many to count and I never would have thought that to be possible.  My dear friends, you know.  I love you, and I thank you for walking this journey with me, hand in hand.  I've been held, I've been prayed over and with, I've been accepted, I've been known.  

Two years.  Two of the best and worst years of my life.  I don't know how that's possible, but it's true nonetheless.  Bittersweet.  How can it be so?  It's a word of such irony, but I think we have all experienced it at one point or another.  I'll be leaving a part of my heart in Spring Valley, deep within those walls that I often walked and prayed alone thinking of all the life that had been experienced there.  It's not just a building, it's a place where people have been changed.  Including me.  Faith Chapel, thank you for loving me, healing me, and sending me off to continue the work He has called me to.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday regarding how God has brought us full circle, to which he responded, "I think about everything you guys went through and how God just confirms you are moving in His will.  It's almost like God is winking at you letting you know, "I knew all along."'  He did indeed.