three months
In thinking about love, we all desire it, we were all created for it, and yet I believe we all fight it on some levels. For me, I desired to be fully known and yet also fully loved, flaws and all. Baggage and all. Sometimes it's difficult enough to believe God loves me in this way, much less another person. I can have all the head knowledge in the world, and yet my heart often refuses to accept it.
When Calvin got down on one knee, he asked if he could love me as Christ loves the church. This. This was everything my heart ever longed for, prayed for. That moment felt like a blur, as if time had stood still. I'm not quite sure why I was so caught off guard as the wedding was already planned and we had been waiting on the ring. I knew it was coming. Except it was all of my childhood dreams and lifelong prayers being answered in that singular moment. It was full circle. A full circle moment of God's redemption and His favor over us. It was the beginning of beautiful.
Fast forward three months. We are both far from perfect. We both have excess baggage, insecurities, and life experiences that have brought us to this time and this place. But we also both have Jesus, and He is everything. I think we could both say this has been the craziest journey. We reflect back and laugh at how far we've come in the time frame that we have. Honestly, it doesn't even feel real to us as we think back. It truly feels like a lifetime already, in the best way. As we walk hand in hand, the love grows everyday. I love him more now than I did when we said I do, as so much has happened in between. We've had a lot to learn - moving, blending a family, going from independence (on both ends) to a true partnership. It's not just two people, it's six people to learn and adapt and coincide. Plus another two with my parents. Take a moment and smile to yourself, because it's comical on some levels. In my process, many things have come to the surface. Areas in which I have yet to be healed, and even some I thought I was past or had a handle on. I've been reading, studying, and diving into podcasts on forgiveness, healing, restoration. God has shown me it's not just a decision, but a process. Calvin has so beautifully and graciously offered to walk this with me time and time again. I've needed the reminders. It's not just my journey, but now ours. I'm learning to lay down so many things, as the walls come down brick by brick. It's accepting that my self worth cannot come from another person, but my identity in Christ. Again, there's that head knowledge versus heart knowledge. It's laying down pride, perfectionism, doubts. It's learning to receive all of the things I prayed for, and being unified as a cord of three. Christ, Calvin, me.
Really, I'm just so very thankful to experience this kind of love. I'm thankful for this gift, for this kindness. I truly stand in awe and do not take it for granted. I've tried to explain to a few of my close friends what it's like -what God has done- and all I can muster is "it just doesn't make sense. I don't get it. It's just God." When I speak of it not making sense, I do not just mean the two of us, but the six of us. But God. Won't He do it.
Calvin will point out I said that, because I say it a lot. It's true, I do, because I have found it to be true of His character. The greatest adventure and joy of my life has come from stepping out in faith and following the voice of the Lord. He lead me here and for that, I praise Him.
"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me." Psalm 103:1-2
"I will always thank the Lord; I will never stop praising him. I will praise him for what he has done; may all who are oppressed listen and be glad! Proclaim with me the Lord’s greatness; let us praise his name together!" Psalm 34:1-3
I love my ring! It's a vintage ring from the 1940's that I picked out (after being asked to look around!) I'm not sure he believed me, but I knew what I wanted! I was so sad because his ring didn't make it in time for our wedding, although it had been ordered in plenty of time. I love it though, as well.
