redeemed.
"Mom, aren't you so excited for me?"
Silas caught me off guard as I was cleaning the kitchen last Friday morning.
"Of course I am excited for you. Buuut, remind me why I'm excited?"
He made his goofy Silas face. If you know it, you know. "It's my first day of summer!!"
I smiled. Yes. Summer is a dream. It has always been my favorite time, because I so enjoy the kids being home. I quipped back, "I am excited for you! I'm excited for me too. It's the first summer since I was 12 that I will have had completely off."
He looked at me perplexed.
"I've always had a job. I started babysitting when I was 12 and have worked ever since."
"So what you're telling me is this is my last real summer? Because next summer I will have a job."
Wow. That's a crazy thought. "Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying. Enjoy your freedom, bud."
God has given me a reflective spirit lately. I am truly in awe of the ways in which He has worked - In the ways He has redeemed, in the ways I have grown, and in the ways I've given up control. I've not yet arrived, but God has really been working on my heart to release and rest.
Because so many things were out of my control, I became obsessive with certain things and wanted to hold on to them for dear life. (I'll make it easy for you. My kids. They were everything.) I spent way too much time living in fear of how quickly the time was fleeting, then being present in the moments. That's difficult to admit, but it's true.
I came across some videos on my timeline recently and Calvin asked why I didn't make them anymore. I'm talking birthdays, first day of school, last day of school, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Halloween - you get the idea. I thought about it for a minute. "I stopped because I didn't have the time. Or energy. Life changed and I had way too much on my plate." Now let me say, these videos are precious. I tear up going back and watching them and the kids get sentimental as well. But my heart is so much more content and full right now, video or no video. I know my kids appreciate the more present me than the one obsessively behind the camera. Silas still jokes every time I grab my phone for a photo, "let's document the fabricated moment so you can have a memory." I get it. There's some truth to this. There's much more of a story behind what a still image can show. If anyone knows this, it's me. In fact, many of my "memories" leave me with sadness knowing what was really going on behind the scenes.
What I realized in this brief interaction with Silas was how graciously God has redeemed. It was my mindset. I wasn't sad, but genuinely happy and at rest with where we are. To be honest, I have felt like so much time was taken from me. I lived years in depression behind the walls I so carefully built to hide what I couldn't let anyone see. I lived in anger, confusion, pain, insert any emotion in the blank. And when our world collapsed overnight, I went from the mom that was always with her kids, to working full-time and barely seeing them. With the strain of dealing with all of the things, I didn't have much left at the end of the day. When I think back, much of it feels like a blur.
But, God.
He has given me time. He is a God that redeems. This year has been everything to me. Driving my kids to and from school again, being able to teach two of them in school, having the afternoons with Eva, having the energy and time to read Bible stories and tuck them in again at night, listening to all of Silas and Eli's gaming adventures whether I understand what's happening or not, has been life giving. I won't take those things for granted again. I smiled to myself this afternoon as I was sitting on the back patio eating lunch. I heard the door open and out came Silas and Eli with their lunches to join me. I hadn't asked and I was genuinely surprised. Grace. God sees it all. He sees our hearts, He sees our desires, and best of all - He cares.
Someone once told me, "You have eighteen summers." That stuck with me. I've always marked the years by school years, rather than the turning of the calendar year. When summer comes, it's another grade finished, another year passed, and my heart mourns a little bit more. In thinking on this now, I see the flaw in this mindset. At the end of the day, we cannot live in that. Nothing is guaranteed - not even the next hour. We have to live in the now and in the moment.
I think it's okay to reminisce and to embrace the memories - even to feel them. We just can't get stuck there. As a young mom, when someone told me I'd blink and they'd be grown, I couldn't have known how true that was. When I sent Silas off to Kindergarten in his tiny uniform, I couldn't have understood how quickly he'd be in high school. I know college is on the horizon. And that's okay. I'm learning to live in it, enjoy it, and thank God for it. I will never get those years back, but I have today. What will I do with it?
As simple as it sounds, it's taken me a long time and a long road to get here. But I'm grateful, nevertheless.
"Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story." Psalm 107:2
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten." Joel 2:25
"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:15-17
Thank you, Lord, for being a God who redeems. You are my Redeemer, I know that full well.
