Both/And
My heart aches. When asked how I’m doing, there simply are not adequate words to express it. Only tears. The only thing that makes sense right now is Romans 8:26.
“The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”
If there’s anything I understand right now, it’s wordless groans. And weakness.
Calvin and I were speaking to our counselor today about conflicting emotions. I expressed, “I don’t know how to feel. I feel like I’m living in two worlds and I don’t know how to hold both.”
You see, God brought me beauty from ashes. Calvin loves me in a way I have never known and the union of our family has been a miraculous - only makes sense because of God - thing. Our life together is something I never could have imagined having. I am beyond blessed, happy, and honored to be his wife. I praise and thank God for His goodness “that’s running after me.”
AND also, I feel devastated by the outcome of what should have been. I mourn over the destruction of sin and the repercussions for my children. Even though my divorce was final years ago, the “closure” of this week hit like a ton of bricks. Everything feels fresh - as though it happened all over again. Even though my ex-husband has been in jail for close to three and a half years, the reality of the sentence feels crushing. I feel broken for him. This was a person that - although hurt me - I was married to for a long time and who is the father of my children. As much pain as he has caused, I would still not wish this reality on anyone. Should there be consequences? Absolutely. Is he where he needs to be? Yes. Does it also break my heart? So much.
I’ve had every feeling in the book. There are some days I am so angry I just want to scream. I want him to see the harm that was caused and the million pieces that have had to be picked up. And there are days I cannot but weep for him. And for my children. I have felt grace, compassion, mercy, judgment, bitterness, maybe even hatred. I have prayed for justice, for peace, for God’s will and not my own. I struggle to reconcile it all. Where many may see evil and call him a monster, I see a person. And whether we fully understand God’s love or not, it’s a person God loves. Romans 5:8 says, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” The key phrase here is “while we were still sinners.”
I’ll never forget a thought I had when everything happened. It resounded in my head over and over again. I thought, “But by the grace of God, that could be me. It could be anyone.” And I prayed at that time - “Lord, may I never think that couldn’t be me. May I keep my eyes ever fixed on you.”
Our counselor said something today that was so freeing for me. He said, “What makes you think you have to choose? Both can be true.”
I’ve said to myself many times, “It’s both.” And yet somehow his permission made me feel like I could breathe. Like I could feel safe in both. He made it even more practical, having us practice with a real life situation. I expressed how everyday situations can be challenging with my conflicting feelings, so I mentioned watching Eli run in cross country. It’s okay to say, “I am sad that my ex cannot see Eli run, because he loved to run and would be so proud. And, I am happy that Calvin is here to share this with me.”
We all know the word bittersweet. I feel it all the time. But today it made even more sense.
Ultimately, friends - I pray for full and complete restoration. I pray for him every single day - for his repentance. I pray he finds God’s mercy, grace, and love. My heart weeps and prays it even now, and I ask for you to pray for him too.
No one is beyond the reach of God.
“Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” -Luke 15:3-7 NIV
