Enough for Now
3 years, 4 months, and 11 days.
Perhaps this seems like a short amount of time - or long - depending on what you’re waiting on.
This is the amount of time that has passed since my ex-husband’s arrest. This is the amount of time that we have been waiting for some finality or closure. Although yes, our lives have very much moved on in so many ways, the aftermath and consequences still linger. The unknown has felt painstakingly difficult and unbearable on so many levels with many of those days feeling never-ending, impossible and excruciating. On the contrary, many of those days have been joy-filled, redeeming, and beautiful. The bitter and the sweet absolutely co-exist.
Yesterday was a day that finally brought some answers. My ex received his sentencing. I learned many weeks ago that he pleaded guilty, as opposed to going to trial. When I heard the news, I am quite sure my heart skipped some beats. All the air left my lungs. My eyes stung with tears. I felt paralyzed, unable to talk or process the information I was hearing. The room felt like it was spinning and it seemed as though time stood still.
After this conversation, I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I went to Eli’s first cross country meet, trying to hold back tears. It wasn’t until the next day that I finally shared what I had learned with Calvin and my parents.
21 years and 4 months. Minus time served. I was informed that he would likely serve a maximum of 85% of his sentence. He faced 17 felony charges, all sexual in nature and many involving minors. This involved six women/girls over the span of 12+ years.
The closure I longed for was not what I expected. I have prayed for years that God would bring peace with any outcome, because in my humanity, I have wrestled. I have wrestled with what length of time is adequate for the charges? I have wrestled with what equals justice? Would any outcome make it feel better? What I now realize is it does not. Any outcome - 20 years or life in prison - feels crushing, but for differing reasons. I have peace that God is in control and holds it all, but my heart still aches at the devastation of sin and the natural consequences. Physically aches. I can’t think about any of this without weeping. It all feels awful. I grieve for the victims, I grieve for my children, I grieve for everyone marked by this, and I grieve for him.
People say that “time heals all wounds.” It truly doesn’t. Time passes and we learn to live with the pain, but the loss never goes away. It simply cannot - not here, anyway. You see, we were never meant to live in a world of sin and pain and death. Full and complete restoration awaits us in heaven. Only Jesus can heal our wounds and that’s because “He took up our pain and bore our suffering.” (Isaiah 53:4)
As I reflect back over the past many years, I think of all it’s held.
I will never forget the day I heard the news. “Melissa, it’s really bad.” I looked in the rearview mirror at my kids in the backseat, knowing their world was about to collapse. I’ll never forget sitting them down and changing the course of their lives with a sentence. It felt so wrong. It felt like I stole their childhood, their dreams, and every ounce of their innocence. I’ll never forget when people stopped looking me in the eye or when people I loved stopped having a relationship with me. Abandoned me. I’ll never forget when our neighbors stopped talking to us or when I read hate messages about us living on the same street. Even if it had nothing to do with us, we weren’t wanted. I’ll never forget realizing that the best thing I could do for my children was remove them from everything they ever knew and start all over. I’ll never forget the excruciating moments with my kids - that I will not speak about - in their darkest days and deepest pain. I’ll never forget the varying judgments that I have received, “she needs to forgive him”, “she had to know”, “if it was that bad, she wouldn’t have stayed.,” and more.
But most importantly - more than all of the above - I will never forget how my God rescued, redeemed, and continues to restore our family. I will never forget how He has led us each step of the way, creating new, creating good. I will never forget the people that befriended me, walked alongside me, and sometimes carried me. I will never forget what the Lord has done and how He continues to work it for good. I will never stop having faith in His ultimate outcome and plan. Even if I don’t understand, I will trust. I will never stop listening to God’s voice, over the opinions of others. I will trust Him to be my defender.
I’ve thought a lot on living in both the beauty and the pain and trusting God with it all. God brought me a passage from Daniel 3 that encouraged me. When King Nebuchadnezzar questioned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego before throwing them into the fiery furnace, they had a bold response,
“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. BUT EVEN IF He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
God is able.
God will.
But even if He doesn’t, we won’t…
Our circumstances don’t change who God is. God has the final say. Even if things don’t go the way I think, the way I hope, or the way I imagine - I will praise Him anyway. I can’t question Him - ever.
As I’ve sat with this information and what it means, I know that my true hope is in heaven. One day, all of our tears will be wiped away. And that is enough for me to know right now.
